Where to begin!! I think that my battle started a very long time ago. Precisely? When my mother died. That is the easy part. Identifying the trigger. At least to me the easy part. I'm sitting here alone, and writing, as I am having a terrible time being able to sleep at night. Not to mention the fact that I just dont feel like being around anyone right now.
I find it annoying when anyone tells me to snap out of it, or take some medication. Which is usually what my husband says. I do want to feel better, but I dont particularly want to be on medication forever eithier. I feel I'm in a very strange place in my life right now and I want to understand who I am and why I am the way I am. Most people think I am a very strong, and somewhat funny individual. Little do they know, that I actually very seldom look at myself that way. The person I am is someone who thinks a great deal about everything. A person who feels very lost right now, with no one to sort of ground me. I feel my security is gone with my fathers death. Not that he and I were so close, but losing the last link to my childhood, and never being able to be close to him until the last 2 months of his life, have worn on me. I wonder if he really realized how much I loved him, how much I always had, despite our differances. I remember all of it. All of my life trying to make him see me, and be the father I needed, especially with my mother not being there. I could go into so much, and it would serve no purpose, and most people would think I was bashing him. I'm not. I just remember the good and the bad, and alot of it wasnt pretty. Whats funny is that I never doubted that my mother loved me, and I only had her for 7 years. I had my dad for 42, and I still question whether he did or not. He told me over and over again as he was dying, but was that because he felt guilty? I will never know for certain, it is just something that I have decided to believe he did mean.
My stepmother, who I very seldom speak about, was a good grandmother to my children, but not a good mother to me. I'm sure it cant have been easy for her to be one to a 12 year old. Certainly because I looked like my mother, and according to most behaved like my mother. I'm not saying I was an angel, but I am saying she made my life a living hell from 12 to 17 when I left home. She did everything in her power to undermine my relationship with my father. When she died I felt sorry for my dad, and my children. I cannot say, I felt deep sorrow, or even sadness. I felt nothing.
I just sort of feel like everything has always happenend fast in my life. To fast. I had my children very young, and When Brian and I divorced, I did attempt to take my own life. I just didnt want to feel anymore. I wanted silence and darkness. I pulled myself together for the boys. Mainly, Bubby coming to see me and telling me I had to get up for them. So, I did. I've battled this disease ever since. I was different after that. No longer could I take shouting matches, and Brians shennanigans. I couldnt cry without getting physically ill. I still cant. Alot of what I am writing now, the boys never knew. I wanted it that way.
Now the boys are grown. 26,24,23,and 22. I am finding it hard to feel needed I guess. They are what drove me to do what I had to do. Because I wanted them to be happy and have good lives. I think for the most part they do. Now I'm worried what will happen to me. Especially if Brian dies before me. For you see no matter what happened Brian has always been my best friend. I dont know that he understands me completely, in that I know it annoys him when I cry, and when I feel worthless, which is how I feel now. How much this has to do with my dads death, Brians illness, the boys leaving home, and now my beloved Brett deploying, I can only guess.
What I do know for certain is that I love my children. I love Brian. I love my friends. Especially, Erin, Lisa, Amanda, Whitney, Lenzi, and many more. I know that when I love I love whole heartedly, and I get my feelings hurt alot. I often wonder why someone does something the way they do it. I cry at the thought of losing my dog. Thats how ridiculus I am. Thats what most would say. I know that losing my mom so young, taught me what loss was. It taught me to say I love you to my kids everytime they walked out the door, because you arnt guranteed another day.
I just cant seem to deal with Brett leaving. I keep thinking in my head, if I werent here, would it stop him from going. In my head I I think these things. I dont voice them. I am afraid of what is coming next. I dont think I can go thru another loss right now. Part of this could be, because when he left the last time, Eileen died, and then on his 1st day back fromAIT my dad came out of that God awful surgery, and then died 2 months later. It may seem crazy to alot of people, but It is how I am feeling. I feel adrift, and scared. I am trying to pull it together but I am sad. Very sad. So I guess, I'll get thru 1 more night, and just try to keep pushing my way thru each day until I feel better.
In closing, please dont think that I am writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me. Or that I dont know people are worse off than me. I realize that, its just that when you feel this bad, its hard to feel any other way. This is how I feel, and I cant unfeel this way.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
Changes and More Changes
So as everyone knows, I have been going thru alot of changes, and alot of my feelings are about my kids. I have never loved another human being, more than my 4 children, except for maybe my mother, and my grandchildren. So when one of them act so completely foreign to how they were raised, it confounds me. So I'm going to try to write my feelings down, and not be biased.
I want to say upfront that I do indeed love my sons, and realize that they are grown, and will change with the experiences life will throw their way. My only hope has been and continues to be that they retain what I tried to instill in them, if that stays intact, I believe they will be productive and good people. What one feels at 20, one may feel considerably different about when they are 44. I get that, because it has happened to me. However, I am essentially the same in what my parents taught me. Especially my mother.
We moved down here for many reasons, and it was not a decision I made lightly. My biggest fear was having any kind of outburst with Brian or Medora. I wanted to not be 'cramping' their style so to speak. Brian assured me and has continued to reassure me that we are welcome and he appreciates all we do. However there have been some issues. I spoke at length tonite with Brian about them. Partly speaking and partly arguing.
I am a very organised and hard working person. I believe that having a clean home is of utmost importance, and teaching your children what kind of behavior is acceptable and what isn't should begin as soon as they can walk and get into things. If you don't start when they are small, you will have holy terrors on your hand, in my experience teenagers who neither respect you or themselves. Since being here I have scrubbed floors, baseboards, vacuumed, changed sheets, washed clothes, cut grass, cooked, you name it. Why? Because that is the only way I could show Brian how relieved I am to not constantly worry about bills,especially a house payment, with his dad in the condition he has been in. I don't mind a bit doing it, but I do mind sitting on my couch, and saying WTF is that, and finding out Jax spilled coffee however many days ago, and his mother not have enough sense to use my steam cleaner to clean it up, when it is sitting 4 feet away from her. A small thing I know, but when you add up all the small things, it wears on ones nerves. I spent ALOT of time with my boys, fun times, but I always cleaned my house. Everyday, no exception unless I was down in my back. Perhaps i should elaborate on why I am such a clean freak. When i was small we lived in a roach infested house till I was 11 and moved to O'fallon. My dad had it exterminated and they would crawl out on the wall in broad daylight. After my mother died, no one cleaned the house. I can still remember my dad smashing the dish's in the backyard because my oldest sister refused to wash them.
At any rate, Brian could not keep this house alone,without our support. If Medora isn't working, and he pays child support for Lance, they would have nothing. In the beginning, I watched Jax all day while they were at work, and it worked out really well. Then Medora lost their baby and quit her job, because she felt that was why she had miscarried. I know for a fact she wanted to quit before this ever took place, and in my opinion, she now had the perfect excuse. At first I liked her a great deal, now I just don't get her. She is very difficult to read, and I feel that she doesn't wish to be friends with me. I have tried, and gotten nothing. So whatever.
As for Brian, I don't know sometimes who he is, and whats more I'd venture to guess he doesn't either. His continual bitching about money is just like a never ending record playing over and over. I cannot understand where he gets this from, because I am not like that. Nor was Brian Sr. I think he has just always been used to getting what he wanted, no matter the circumstance. When you grow up, and you get married, and you decide to get divorced, there are consequences. You will pay child support, and even if you think it is to much, it is what it is, and you made that choice. I personally feel that if the rent is paid, and you have food to eat your in good shape. I think he has alot of regrets about school, and getting married so young. I think he wishes he had spent more time on himself before he had the responsibilities he has now. I might add we were against him getting married at 20. Mainly because Brian and I knew what we had given up by marrying so young. The difference for us though, at least for me, was that I had the four best things that have ever happened to me. My life would have been over, if I had not had my sons. I have no doubt that I was meant to have them. They didn't ruin my life, they made my life. Brian has never said he regretted either of his children, but I believe he still is very 'me' orientated.
I wasn't perfect, but I felt perfect having those boys. I could never express the love and pride I have felt for them their entire lives. I don't expect everyone to feel the same way I do about everything, This is more than spilled coffee. Its the total of everything that has happened these last few months. The complete lack of respect shown to me. That has always been something that I demanded, and I will tell you why. I wasn't a drunk, a crack whore, didn't have a bunch of men thru my home, and I always without fail, put my children 1st. I went without plenty of times, so they would have. I don't expect them to kiss my ass for that, but I believe I have earned respect, because I wonder if they ever ask themselves where they would be had I decided, You know what? I'm gonna be a drunk.
I'm not going to put down all of the issues I am having, because it would be to much. I just need to decide where to go from here. Is this how I want to live, or would we ( Brian and I ) be better off in an apartment back home in Missouri. Where I can see my youngest more. I do not have a favorite. I love them all without question, but I will say of the men they have grown up to be, I admire my youngest Bradley the most. He is without a doubt the very best of men. He is the most like me, in that he is not selfish, but rather selfless.
I'm also tired of hearing that I have to 'get over' Brett deploying. Until you are a mother of a soldier, in these horrific times, and you are sending your child to the Persian gulf, I don't want to hear that from you. I hear it from Bubby on a daily basis almost. Yes he is military too, but he isn't sending his child over, and I venture to guess he would feel differently were that the case. I cry on a daily basis about it. I am working thru it in my own way and time. I just really ask myself how much more God wants from me. I try not to be bitter, and I believe I'm not, but it is getting really difficult to know where I belong.
I want to say upfront that I do indeed love my sons, and realize that they are grown, and will change with the experiences life will throw their way. My only hope has been and continues to be that they retain what I tried to instill in them, if that stays intact, I believe they will be productive and good people. What one feels at 20, one may feel considerably different about when they are 44. I get that, because it has happened to me. However, I am essentially the same in what my parents taught me. Especially my mother.
We moved down here for many reasons, and it was not a decision I made lightly. My biggest fear was having any kind of outburst with Brian or Medora. I wanted to not be 'cramping' their style so to speak. Brian assured me and has continued to reassure me that we are welcome and he appreciates all we do. However there have been some issues. I spoke at length tonite with Brian about them. Partly speaking and partly arguing.
I am a very organised and hard working person. I believe that having a clean home is of utmost importance, and teaching your children what kind of behavior is acceptable and what isn't should begin as soon as they can walk and get into things. If you don't start when they are small, you will have holy terrors on your hand, in my experience teenagers who neither respect you or themselves. Since being here I have scrubbed floors, baseboards, vacuumed, changed sheets, washed clothes, cut grass, cooked, you name it. Why? Because that is the only way I could show Brian how relieved I am to not constantly worry about bills,especially a house payment, with his dad in the condition he has been in. I don't mind a bit doing it, but I do mind sitting on my couch, and saying WTF is that, and finding out Jax spilled coffee however many days ago, and his mother not have enough sense to use my steam cleaner to clean it up, when it is sitting 4 feet away from her. A small thing I know, but when you add up all the small things, it wears on ones nerves. I spent ALOT of time with my boys, fun times, but I always cleaned my house. Everyday, no exception unless I was down in my back. Perhaps i should elaborate on why I am such a clean freak. When i was small we lived in a roach infested house till I was 11 and moved to O'fallon. My dad had it exterminated and they would crawl out on the wall in broad daylight. After my mother died, no one cleaned the house. I can still remember my dad smashing the dish's in the backyard because my oldest sister refused to wash them.
At any rate, Brian could not keep this house alone,without our support. If Medora isn't working, and he pays child support for Lance, they would have nothing. In the beginning, I watched Jax all day while they were at work, and it worked out really well. Then Medora lost their baby and quit her job, because she felt that was why she had miscarried. I know for a fact she wanted to quit before this ever took place, and in my opinion, she now had the perfect excuse. At first I liked her a great deal, now I just don't get her. She is very difficult to read, and I feel that she doesn't wish to be friends with me. I have tried, and gotten nothing. So whatever.
As for Brian, I don't know sometimes who he is, and whats more I'd venture to guess he doesn't either. His continual bitching about money is just like a never ending record playing over and over. I cannot understand where he gets this from, because I am not like that. Nor was Brian Sr. I think he has just always been used to getting what he wanted, no matter the circumstance. When you grow up, and you get married, and you decide to get divorced, there are consequences. You will pay child support, and even if you think it is to much, it is what it is, and you made that choice. I personally feel that if the rent is paid, and you have food to eat your in good shape. I think he has alot of regrets about school, and getting married so young. I think he wishes he had spent more time on himself before he had the responsibilities he has now. I might add we were against him getting married at 20. Mainly because Brian and I knew what we had given up by marrying so young. The difference for us though, at least for me, was that I had the four best things that have ever happened to me. My life would have been over, if I had not had my sons. I have no doubt that I was meant to have them. They didn't ruin my life, they made my life. Brian has never said he regretted either of his children, but I believe he still is very 'me' orientated.
I wasn't perfect, but I felt perfect having those boys. I could never express the love and pride I have felt for them their entire lives. I don't expect everyone to feel the same way I do about everything, This is more than spilled coffee. Its the total of everything that has happened these last few months. The complete lack of respect shown to me. That has always been something that I demanded, and I will tell you why. I wasn't a drunk, a crack whore, didn't have a bunch of men thru my home, and I always without fail, put my children 1st. I went without plenty of times, so they would have. I don't expect them to kiss my ass for that, but I believe I have earned respect, because I wonder if they ever ask themselves where they would be had I decided, You know what? I'm gonna be a drunk.
I'm not going to put down all of the issues I am having, because it would be to much. I just need to decide where to go from here. Is this how I want to live, or would we ( Brian and I ) be better off in an apartment back home in Missouri. Where I can see my youngest more. I do not have a favorite. I love them all without question, but I will say of the men they have grown up to be, I admire my youngest Bradley the most. He is without a doubt the very best of men. He is the most like me, in that he is not selfish, but rather selfless.
I'm also tired of hearing that I have to 'get over' Brett deploying. Until you are a mother of a soldier, in these horrific times, and you are sending your child to the Persian gulf, I don't want to hear that from you. I hear it from Bubby on a daily basis almost. Yes he is military too, but he isn't sending his child over, and I venture to guess he would feel differently were that the case. I cry on a daily basis about it. I am working thru it in my own way and time. I just really ask myself how much more God wants from me. I try not to be bitter, and I believe I'm not, but it is getting really difficult to know where I belong.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
The Story Of Gracie and Bella
Today I thought I'd write about my dogs:) Brandon brought home a pup named Gracie in 2005, shortly after he graduated from high school. She was the most precious baby!! She was lab shepard mix. She was wild as hell!! LOL!! She was very loving, and LOVED to play with her toys or run like the wind in the backyard. We had just lost our golden retriever Scrappy. I'll write about him at another time. It is to hard right now, even 6 years since he has been gone. We got him for Brian when he was 6, and we had to put him down when Brian was 19 and in his 2nd year of college.
Gracie was a blessing to us all, and she made us feel better. We still had Scrappy's baby, My beloved "Baybuh" better known as Kaiser Puppy. Again I'll have to dedicate a whole page to him. He died at home with us last September.
Gracie was 8 months old, when one day I didnt take her in my room as I normally did, to sleep, since I worked the night shift. My room was in the back of the house, and Brandon 's was in the front. When Brett and Brad got home from school, they took Gracie out to play. Instead of in the backyard, they took her out in the front. A ball was thrown, and Gracie ran after it. I was told, the neighbor down the street was speeding and she hit Gracie. The woman never even stopped.
Brandon heard her yelping, and immediately raced into my room to wake me up. Half asleep I staggered out in the front yard. Gracie had limped into our front yard. My neighbor Walt, picked her up and handed her to Bradley. I knew when I looked at her, that she wasnt going to make it. She was bleeding from her mouth and nose, but I got in the car with Brett and Brad, and raced her to the vet. We were about 5 minutes away from their office, when she died in Bradley's arms. He was begging her to stay, and he actually tried to give her cpr. He took her blood into his own mouth to try and save her. I have tears in my eyes even now, remembering. I dont know anyone with a bigger heart than my son Bradley. He is without a doubt the best of the best. I love you kiddo:)
We turned around and went home. I was by then hysterical, and someone called Brian at work to come home. When he got there, he found me on the back porch, holding my sweet girl, covered in blood, and sobbing. I was washing her. I think I was in shock. Brian had to take her from me, and bury her beside Scrappy. We were heartbroken. The boys were devasted, and I think blamed themselves. It was an accident, and they learned something from it. I have missed her every day since, and think of her often.
2 days later, I came home from work, and was laying with my head on Brians shoulder, and looked up at him and said can we go look at the shelter? He kind of rolled his eyes, but said yes, because he knew how devasted I was. I literally couldnt sleep, and would sit out back near her grave. We got to the shelter, and looked at the dogs. We saw one we thought about, so we filled out the paperwork. They were going to let us view the puppies as well, when a man walked in the door with Bella. Brian and I looked at each other and just knew we had to have her. I walked up and asked him if he was returning that dog. he said yes, because she tears everything up. Her name then was Lucy. I paid the 10 dollar return fee, as he didnt have it, and I told the woman I wanted her.
We went in the back with her, so they could see us interact, and fill the adoption form out. I had to sign that I knew she was destructive. I signed away!! This was her 3rd time being returned, and she would have been put to sleep. I KNOW without a doubt that God sent us there that morning. I have had her for 5 years now, and she tore up 1 mini blind. She has been a complete joy to both of us. our entire family, really. She is so like Gracie!! Gracie had more black on her snout, but they could have been sisters! They both have a "mohawk" down their back when they are scared and running crazy in the backyard.Lol!! I named her Bella, because she is beautiful inside and out. When Brian got sick, she made him get up out of bed, and walk her. Whenever we have been sad, she lays her head on us and just knows. She is a constant source of joy to us all. The boys call her "Wilford"! As in Wilford Brimley. They say she has the "betes" because she is a little on the chunky side! Lol!! She is a princess, and she knows it! Without her, my heart would be broken. She is my best friend, next to Brian.
Bella has helped to "raise" Budweiser the beagle, Maggie, Brad and Ali's dog, and of course our new lab, Barrett. She is a momma dog without ever having had pups. She is very good to the grandbabies!! they climb all over her and hug her and she licks them in turn. I will always remember Gracie, and I think we were meant to get Bella. People say oh it is so great that you saved her. I always say no, we are the lucky ones, because she saved us:)
If you have pets, treat them well, and spay or neuter. So many good dogs need a home. I dread the day Bella and Barrett leave us, but if I get another dog, it would be from a shelter. Thanks for reading, and I hope you see why we love her so very much:)
Gracie was a blessing to us all, and she made us feel better. We still had Scrappy's baby, My beloved "Baybuh" better known as Kaiser Puppy. Again I'll have to dedicate a whole page to him. He died at home with us last September.
Gracie was 8 months old, when one day I didnt take her in my room as I normally did, to sleep, since I worked the night shift. My room was in the back of the house, and Brandon 's was in the front. When Brett and Brad got home from school, they took Gracie out to play. Instead of in the backyard, they took her out in the front. A ball was thrown, and Gracie ran after it. I was told, the neighbor down the street was speeding and she hit Gracie. The woman never even stopped.
Brandon heard her yelping, and immediately raced into my room to wake me up. Half asleep I staggered out in the front yard. Gracie had limped into our front yard. My neighbor Walt, picked her up and handed her to Bradley. I knew when I looked at her, that she wasnt going to make it. She was bleeding from her mouth and nose, but I got in the car with Brett and Brad, and raced her to the vet. We were about 5 minutes away from their office, when she died in Bradley's arms. He was begging her to stay, and he actually tried to give her cpr. He took her blood into his own mouth to try and save her. I have tears in my eyes even now, remembering. I dont know anyone with a bigger heart than my son Bradley. He is without a doubt the best of the best. I love you kiddo:)
We turned around and went home. I was by then hysterical, and someone called Brian at work to come home. When he got there, he found me on the back porch, holding my sweet girl, covered in blood, and sobbing. I was washing her. I think I was in shock. Brian had to take her from me, and bury her beside Scrappy. We were heartbroken. The boys were devasted, and I think blamed themselves. It was an accident, and they learned something from it. I have missed her every day since, and think of her often.
2 days later, I came home from work, and was laying with my head on Brians shoulder, and looked up at him and said can we go look at the shelter? He kind of rolled his eyes, but said yes, because he knew how devasted I was. I literally couldnt sleep, and would sit out back near her grave. We got to the shelter, and looked at the dogs. We saw one we thought about, so we filled out the paperwork. They were going to let us view the puppies as well, when a man walked in the door with Bella. Brian and I looked at each other and just knew we had to have her. I walked up and asked him if he was returning that dog. he said yes, because she tears everything up. Her name then was Lucy. I paid the 10 dollar return fee, as he didnt have it, and I told the woman I wanted her.
We went in the back with her, so they could see us interact, and fill the adoption form out. I had to sign that I knew she was destructive. I signed away!! This was her 3rd time being returned, and she would have been put to sleep. I KNOW without a doubt that God sent us there that morning. I have had her for 5 years now, and she tore up 1 mini blind. She has been a complete joy to both of us. our entire family, really. She is so like Gracie!! Gracie had more black on her snout, but they could have been sisters! They both have a "mohawk" down their back when they are scared and running crazy in the backyard.Lol!! I named her Bella, because she is beautiful inside and out. When Brian got sick, she made him get up out of bed, and walk her. Whenever we have been sad, she lays her head on us and just knows. She is a constant source of joy to us all. The boys call her "Wilford"! As in Wilford Brimley. They say she has the "betes" because she is a little on the chunky side! Lol!! She is a princess, and she knows it! Without her, my heart would be broken. She is my best friend, next to Brian.
Bella has helped to "raise" Budweiser the beagle, Maggie, Brad and Ali's dog, and of course our new lab, Barrett. She is a momma dog without ever having had pups. She is very good to the grandbabies!! they climb all over her and hug her and she licks them in turn. I will always remember Gracie, and I think we were meant to get Bella. People say oh it is so great that you saved her. I always say no, we are the lucky ones, because she saved us:)
If you have pets, treat them well, and spay or neuter. So many good dogs need a home. I dread the day Bella and Barrett leave us, but if I get another dog, it would be from a shelter. Thanks for reading, and I hope you see why we love her so very much:)
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
The Mother Factor
There was once a woman named Jeanne, who had 4 children. Her full name was Dorothy Jeanne Pugh. She married twice. The first time to Charles Lynch and the 2nd time to Louis Feldmann. She had 2 sisters, and 1 brother. Her father worked for the railroad, and her mother was a mayor. She was 5 feet 4inches tall, had naturally curly dark brown hair, with green and yellow eyes. I know that she had 4 children, as I am the youngest. Those are the statistics.
I don't know what her religous beliefs were, or her political stance. I don't know what her favorite song was, or her favorite color. I don't know her favorite flower. I don't know very much about her at all. My dad very seldom talked about her. In part I think because it was to painful for him. He loved her very much, although they had a very volatile relationship. He usually would eithier have tears in his eyes, or be yelling and say "you look, sound, act, like your mother". It is rather hard to grow up hearing that, and yet not knowing her.
I never blamed him for that, but now it is to late to ask any questions. I don't suppose he would have answered them anyway. That just wasnt my dad. My grandmother died when I was 16, and at that age I just wasnt to interested in knowing all those things. A friend of my mothers supposedly had a journal she had written when she got sick. It was my understanding that it would come to me when I got older. I still have never seen it, and I dont know if the friend is even still alive. It contained her thoughts on her children and her disease, and I suppose just what she felt about alot of things.
I can tell you what I do remember. My mom had long beautiful hands and fingers with beautiful nails. She taught me to read before I went to kindergarten, thus my love of reading. She was highly opinionated, and very intelligent. I know she loved me. She is the one that instilled that fighting spirit in me to never give up and never give in. That education was a priority. She was a room mother for me kindergarten and first grade. She ordered cookies from a bakery in south county called Heindleburgers. She used to whistle to call us in from outside. I don't ever remember her spanking me, however I do remember her telling my dad to! I think the 4 of us were in awe of her, so we very seldom didnt do as we were told. She taught us table manners, I can remember her poking my brother in the back with a fork for having his elbows on the table! LOL! She was one of a kind, and I loved her. Thats what I remember.
On July 26th, 1974, she died after a long battle with colon cancer. I do remember my dad sneaking me up to Barnes to see her. I can close my eyes and it was like yesterday. She didnt know we were there, of that I'm quite certain. The vision of her in that hosp[ital bed with her colostomy bag hanging on the side, will be forever ingrained in my mind. I was 7, she was 41. For years afterward my dad would put me to bed and say "your mother loves you in heaven". I still to this day cry for my mom. When my kids were born, when I became a grandmother, when I passed her in age, I cried for what should have been.
I can honestly say that my childhood effectively ended when she died. The sun was a little less bright, and I was unable to cope. No one ever said anything. It was as if she had never been there. Except in my heart. Not a day has passed without me thinking of her . When I'm at the ocean, I feel her the most. She taught me to swim before I could walk, according to my dad. We used to go to Ocean City
Maryland, when I was a child. I learned to swim in the ocean, and I taught my children to swim in the ocean. Right off the coast of Cape Canaveral Florida. I swam competitively until I was 16. I was a very good swimmer.
So, I think I was always more her daughter than my fathers. Everyone has always said I look like her, and acted like her. I mainly believe it, because my dad and I usually butted heads, and my father was not a "strong" man. Not in the emotional sense. My mother was very emotional, and you always knew exactly where you stood with her. Heaven help you if you messed with one of her kids!! Lol! She was a firecracker! I don't know how much her death made me into who I am, but I know her living made me a compassionate, and caring person. A person with morals, and the ability to look at any situation from many points of view, even if I don't agree. I have the ability to stand up for what I believe is right, and to voice my opinion even if I'm standing alone in doing so. for only being in my life for 7 years she made a lifelong impact, and I believe taught me more than I could ever learn in a book.
When I look at my children, especially Brandon, I can see her. Brandon has her musical ability, and her artistic skill. When I look into Lance's eyes they are her eyes. Brian has them too. I was lucky enough to inheiret her curly hair, and her eyes, and smile. While she didnt get to see me grow up, or see her grandchildren, of which she has 10, she lives on in me, and in all of my children and grandchildren. I was blessed to have her as my mother. I hope that when I leave this world, I will see her again, because 7 years wasnt enough.
I don't know what her religous beliefs were, or her political stance. I don't know what her favorite song was, or her favorite color. I don't know her favorite flower. I don't know very much about her at all. My dad very seldom talked about her. In part I think because it was to painful for him. He loved her very much, although they had a very volatile relationship. He usually would eithier have tears in his eyes, or be yelling and say "you look, sound, act, like your mother". It is rather hard to grow up hearing that, and yet not knowing her.
I never blamed him for that, but now it is to late to ask any questions. I don't suppose he would have answered them anyway. That just wasnt my dad. My grandmother died when I was 16, and at that age I just wasnt to interested in knowing all those things. A friend of my mothers supposedly had a journal she had written when she got sick. It was my understanding that it would come to me when I got older. I still have never seen it, and I dont know if the friend is even still alive. It contained her thoughts on her children and her disease, and I suppose just what she felt about alot of things.
I can tell you what I do remember. My mom had long beautiful hands and fingers with beautiful nails. She taught me to read before I went to kindergarten, thus my love of reading. She was highly opinionated, and very intelligent. I know she loved me. She is the one that instilled that fighting spirit in me to never give up and never give in. That education was a priority. She was a room mother for me kindergarten and first grade. She ordered cookies from a bakery in south county called Heindleburgers. She used to whistle to call us in from outside. I don't ever remember her spanking me, however I do remember her telling my dad to! I think the 4 of us were in awe of her, so we very seldom didnt do as we were told. She taught us table manners, I can remember her poking my brother in the back with a fork for having his elbows on the table! LOL! She was one of a kind, and I loved her. Thats what I remember.
On July 26th, 1974, she died after a long battle with colon cancer. I do remember my dad sneaking me up to Barnes to see her. I can close my eyes and it was like yesterday. She didnt know we were there, of that I'm quite certain. The vision of her in that hosp[ital bed with her colostomy bag hanging on the side, will be forever ingrained in my mind. I was 7, she was 41. For years afterward my dad would put me to bed and say "your mother loves you in heaven". I still to this day cry for my mom. When my kids were born, when I became a grandmother, when I passed her in age, I cried for what should have been.
I can honestly say that my childhood effectively ended when she died. The sun was a little less bright, and I was unable to cope. No one ever said anything. It was as if she had never been there. Except in my heart. Not a day has passed without me thinking of her . When I'm at the ocean, I feel her the most. She taught me to swim before I could walk, according to my dad. We used to go to Ocean City
Maryland, when I was a child. I learned to swim in the ocean, and I taught my children to swim in the ocean. Right off the coast of Cape Canaveral Florida. I swam competitively until I was 16. I was a very good swimmer.
So, I think I was always more her daughter than my fathers. Everyone has always said I look like her, and acted like her. I mainly believe it, because my dad and I usually butted heads, and my father was not a "strong" man. Not in the emotional sense. My mother was very emotional, and you always knew exactly where you stood with her. Heaven help you if you messed with one of her kids!! Lol! She was a firecracker! I don't know how much her death made me into who I am, but I know her living made me a compassionate, and caring person. A person with morals, and the ability to look at any situation from many points of view, even if I don't agree. I have the ability to stand up for what I believe is right, and to voice my opinion even if I'm standing alone in doing so. for only being in my life for 7 years she made a lifelong impact, and I believe taught me more than I could ever learn in a book.
When I look at my children, especially Brandon, I can see her. Brandon has her musical ability, and her artistic skill. When I look into Lance's eyes they are her eyes. Brian has them too. I was lucky enough to inheiret her curly hair, and her eyes, and smile. While she didnt get to see me grow up, or see her grandchildren, of which she has 10, she lives on in me, and in all of my children and grandchildren. I was blessed to have her as my mother. I hope that when I leave this world, I will see her again, because 7 years wasnt enough.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Sadness, Current Events, and Me
This will be my first blog! Thank you Erin for encourageing me!! I love you dearly:)
So, as most of my friends know, I went home this weekend to see my kids. I had to take
Lance back to his mother.
While I have been very pleased to have all my sons in one place for the day, I have become
increasingly sad. I suppose it isnt any wonder, with all the major events that have occured
in the last four years. As if I hadnt had enough change in the years preceding 2007! Since 2007
Bradley, my baby graduated from high school, Brian Matthew became totally dependent on me,
Brian Christopher went in the Army, got divorced and made me a grandmother twice over. with two different women. Brandon moved out and has had very little direction as to where he wanted to go
in life, until recently. Brett entered the National Guard, and is now preparing to deploy. Bradley
got married, My step mother passed away, then my father was diagnosed with cancer, and passed away 3 months later. There has been alot of change, and alot of upheaval. I have found it increasingly harder to bounce back from each event.
While I do know and have always tried to maintain the attitude that there are people much worse off than I am, and To push my way thru, I have found that doing it without the boys being at home is near impossible for me. I find no motivation, no end result. I do wonder if I dont need medication, but I try not to go there, as it reminds me of days that I dont wish to revisit. I want a clear head, and I want to overcome my sadness on my own, or at least thru prayer.
Most days I feel numb, and I think I'm a fat, useless, and unloveable person. It isnt a pity party, it simply is. So, I have a plan to try and help myself. I have started taking vitamins. Especially super B complex. I want to get back into shape such as I was when I was 30. If I can attain that I believe I will feel better physically and emotionally. I cannot continue to ask myself "what is wrong with me" because others may not respond to me the way I would like. I dont want to be a nurse for people anymore. I want to try and become a veterinarian asisstant. I find the 4 legged variety are more appreciative of what you do for them, and all they want in return is love from you. They dont care about money, or what your scale reads. The only thing that scares me somewhat about that is how easily attached I become to pets and how much it hurts my heart when I cannot help them all. I care very much about humans, just burned out on sitting with folks while they die, because their families cant be bothered to be there. It is very sad, and it just hurts me to much anymore to watch the horrible things humans can do to each other.
I am under no impression that I am perfect. I think those of you that know me well, already know that. However tough I may have appeared in my younger days, however strong, I have always had the same heart, and the same feelings that get hurt easily. I have learned that not everyone means to hurt with their words, but I have found that I personally will go the extra mile to think about what I say, and try not to hurt someone unneccisarily. I pick my battles a little more carefully, and I try to have love in my heart in whatever actions I take. So, from now on, I'm going to write when I feel it in my heart to do so, because my husband, my friends, and my son Brandon, have encouraged me to do so, because they feel I should write a book. I dont set out with the intention of accomplishing that. I mean how does one decide how to start? I think it might come together for me just by writing. I know it helps me a great deal to put down my thoughts, and to hear responses from my friends. So I hope I will get encouragement and feedback, and maybe I can work my way thru the sad feelings, and learn something along the way. Thank you for reading, and for caring. I hope I can accomplish my goals.
So, as most of my friends know, I went home this weekend to see my kids. I had to take
Lance back to his mother.
While I have been very pleased to have all my sons in one place for the day, I have become
increasingly sad. I suppose it isnt any wonder, with all the major events that have occured
in the last four years. As if I hadnt had enough change in the years preceding 2007! Since 2007
Bradley, my baby graduated from high school, Brian Matthew became totally dependent on me,
Brian Christopher went in the Army, got divorced and made me a grandmother twice over. with two different women. Brandon moved out and has had very little direction as to where he wanted to go
in life, until recently. Brett entered the National Guard, and is now preparing to deploy. Bradley
got married, My step mother passed away, then my father was diagnosed with cancer, and passed away 3 months later. There has been alot of change, and alot of upheaval. I have found it increasingly harder to bounce back from each event.
While I do know and have always tried to maintain the attitude that there are people much worse off than I am, and To push my way thru, I have found that doing it without the boys being at home is near impossible for me. I find no motivation, no end result. I do wonder if I dont need medication, but I try not to go there, as it reminds me of days that I dont wish to revisit. I want a clear head, and I want to overcome my sadness on my own, or at least thru prayer.
Most days I feel numb, and I think I'm a fat, useless, and unloveable person. It isnt a pity party, it simply is. So, I have a plan to try and help myself. I have started taking vitamins. Especially super B complex. I want to get back into shape such as I was when I was 30. If I can attain that I believe I will feel better physically and emotionally. I cannot continue to ask myself "what is wrong with me" because others may not respond to me the way I would like. I dont want to be a nurse for people anymore. I want to try and become a veterinarian asisstant. I find the 4 legged variety are more appreciative of what you do for them, and all they want in return is love from you. They dont care about money, or what your scale reads. The only thing that scares me somewhat about that is how easily attached I become to pets and how much it hurts my heart when I cannot help them all. I care very much about humans, just burned out on sitting with folks while they die, because their families cant be bothered to be there. It is very sad, and it just hurts me to much anymore to watch the horrible things humans can do to each other.
I am under no impression that I am perfect. I think those of you that know me well, already know that. However tough I may have appeared in my younger days, however strong, I have always had the same heart, and the same feelings that get hurt easily. I have learned that not everyone means to hurt with their words, but I have found that I personally will go the extra mile to think about what I say, and try not to hurt someone unneccisarily. I pick my battles a little more carefully, and I try to have love in my heart in whatever actions I take. So, from now on, I'm going to write when I feel it in my heart to do so, because my husband, my friends, and my son Brandon, have encouraged me to do so, because they feel I should write a book. I dont set out with the intention of accomplishing that. I mean how does one decide how to start? I think it might come together for me just by writing. I know it helps me a great deal to put down my thoughts, and to hear responses from my friends. So I hope I will get encouragement and feedback, and maybe I can work my way thru the sad feelings, and learn something along the way. Thank you for reading, and for caring. I hope I can accomplish my goals.
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