So as everyone knows, I have been going thru alot of changes, and alot of my feelings are about my kids. I have never loved another human being, more than my 4 children, except for maybe my mother, and my grandchildren. So when one of them act so completely foreign to how they were raised, it confounds me. So I'm going to try to write my feelings down, and not be biased.
I want to say upfront that I do indeed love my sons, and realize that they are grown, and will change with the experiences life will throw their way. My only hope has been and continues to be that they retain what I tried to instill in them, if that stays intact, I believe they will be productive and good people. What one feels at 20, one may feel considerably different about when they are 44. I get that, because it has happened to me. However, I am essentially the same in what my parents taught me. Especially my mother.
We moved down here for many reasons, and it was not a decision I made lightly. My biggest fear was having any kind of outburst with Brian or Medora. I wanted to not be 'cramping' their style so to speak. Brian assured me and has continued to reassure me that we are welcome and he appreciates all we do. However there have been some issues. I spoke at length tonite with Brian about them. Partly speaking and partly arguing.
I am a very organised and hard working person. I believe that having a clean home is of utmost importance, and teaching your children what kind of behavior is acceptable and what isn't should begin as soon as they can walk and get into things. If you don't start when they are small, you will have holy terrors on your hand, in my experience teenagers who neither respect you or themselves. Since being here I have scrubbed floors, baseboards, vacuumed, changed sheets, washed clothes, cut grass, cooked, you name it. Why? Because that is the only way I could show Brian how relieved I am to not constantly worry about bills,especially a house payment, with his dad in the condition he has been in. I don't mind a bit doing it, but I do mind sitting on my couch, and saying WTF is that, and finding out Jax spilled coffee however many days ago, and his mother not have enough sense to use my steam cleaner to clean it up, when it is sitting 4 feet away from her. A small thing I know, but when you add up all the small things, it wears on ones nerves. I spent ALOT of time with my boys, fun times, but I always cleaned my house. Everyday, no exception unless I was down in my back. Perhaps i should elaborate on why I am such a clean freak. When i was small we lived in a roach infested house till I was 11 and moved to O'fallon. My dad had it exterminated and they would crawl out on the wall in broad daylight. After my mother died, no one cleaned the house. I can still remember my dad smashing the dish's in the backyard because my oldest sister refused to wash them.
At any rate, Brian could not keep this house alone,without our support. If Medora isn't working, and he pays child support for Lance, they would have nothing. In the beginning, I watched Jax all day while they were at work, and it worked out really well. Then Medora lost their baby and quit her job, because she felt that was why she had miscarried. I know for a fact she wanted to quit before this ever took place, and in my opinion, she now had the perfect excuse. At first I liked her a great deal, now I just don't get her. She is very difficult to read, and I feel that she doesn't wish to be friends with me. I have tried, and gotten nothing. So whatever.
As for Brian, I don't know sometimes who he is, and whats more I'd venture to guess he doesn't either. His continual bitching about money is just like a never ending record playing over and over. I cannot understand where he gets this from, because I am not like that. Nor was Brian Sr. I think he has just always been used to getting what he wanted, no matter the circumstance. When you grow up, and you get married, and you decide to get divorced, there are consequences. You will pay child support, and even if you think it is to much, it is what it is, and you made that choice. I personally feel that if the rent is paid, and you have food to eat your in good shape. I think he has alot of regrets about school, and getting married so young. I think he wishes he had spent more time on himself before he had the responsibilities he has now. I might add we were against him getting married at 20. Mainly because Brian and I knew what we had given up by marrying so young. The difference for us though, at least for me, was that I had the four best things that have ever happened to me. My life would have been over, if I had not had my sons. I have no doubt that I was meant to have them. They didn't ruin my life, they made my life. Brian has never said he regretted either of his children, but I believe he still is very 'me' orientated.
I wasn't perfect, but I felt perfect having those boys. I could never express the love and pride I have felt for them their entire lives. I don't expect everyone to feel the same way I do about everything, This is more than spilled coffee. Its the total of everything that has happened these last few months. The complete lack of respect shown to me. That has always been something that I demanded, and I will tell you why. I wasn't a drunk, a crack whore, didn't have a bunch of men thru my home, and I always without fail, put my children 1st. I went without plenty of times, so they would have. I don't expect them to kiss my ass for that, but I believe I have earned respect, because I wonder if they ever ask themselves where they would be had I decided, You know what? I'm gonna be a drunk.
I'm not going to put down all of the issues I am having, because it would be to much. I just need to decide where to go from here. Is this how I want to live, or would we ( Brian and I ) be better off in an apartment back home in Missouri. Where I can see my youngest more. I do not have a favorite. I love them all without question, but I will say of the men they have grown up to be, I admire my youngest Bradley the most. He is without a doubt the very best of men. He is the most like me, in that he is not selfish, but rather selfless.
I'm also tired of hearing that I have to 'get over' Brett deploying. Until you are a mother of a soldier, in these horrific times, and you are sending your child to the Persian gulf, I don't want to hear that from you. I hear it from Bubby on a daily basis almost. Yes he is military too, but he isn't sending his child over, and I venture to guess he would feel differently were that the case. I cry on a daily basis about it. I am working thru it in my own way and time. I just really ask myself how much more God wants from me. I try not to be bitter, and I believe I'm not, but it is getting really difficult to know where I belong.
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