Where to begin!! I think that my battle started a very long time ago. Precisely? When my mother died. That is the easy part. Identifying the trigger. At least to me the easy part. I'm sitting here alone, and writing, as I am having a terrible time being able to sleep at night. Not to mention the fact that I just dont feel like being around anyone right now.
I find it annoying when anyone tells me to snap out of it, or take some medication. Which is usually what my husband says. I do want to feel better, but I dont particularly want to be on medication forever eithier. I feel I'm in a very strange place in my life right now and I want to understand who I am and why I am the way I am. Most people think I am a very strong, and somewhat funny individual. Little do they know, that I actually very seldom look at myself that way. The person I am is someone who thinks a great deal about everything. A person who feels very lost right now, with no one to sort of ground me. I feel my security is gone with my fathers death. Not that he and I were so close, but losing the last link to my childhood, and never being able to be close to him until the last 2 months of his life, have worn on me. I wonder if he really realized how much I loved him, how much I always had, despite our differances. I remember all of it. All of my life trying to make him see me, and be the father I needed, especially with my mother not being there. I could go into so much, and it would serve no purpose, and most people would think I was bashing him. I'm not. I just remember the good and the bad, and alot of it wasnt pretty. Whats funny is that I never doubted that my mother loved me, and I only had her for 7 years. I had my dad for 42, and I still question whether he did or not. He told me over and over again as he was dying, but was that because he felt guilty? I will never know for certain, it is just something that I have decided to believe he did mean.
My stepmother, who I very seldom speak about, was a good grandmother to my children, but not a good mother to me. I'm sure it cant have been easy for her to be one to a 12 year old. Certainly because I looked like my mother, and according to most behaved like my mother. I'm not saying I was an angel, but I am saying she made my life a living hell from 12 to 17 when I left home. She did everything in her power to undermine my relationship with my father. When she died I felt sorry for my dad, and my children. I cannot say, I felt deep sorrow, or even sadness. I felt nothing.
I just sort of feel like everything has always happenend fast in my life. To fast. I had my children very young, and When Brian and I divorced, I did attempt to take my own life. I just didnt want to feel anymore. I wanted silence and darkness. I pulled myself together for the boys. Mainly, Bubby coming to see me and telling me I had to get up for them. So, I did. I've battled this disease ever since. I was different after that. No longer could I take shouting matches, and Brians shennanigans. I couldnt cry without getting physically ill. I still cant. Alot of what I am writing now, the boys never knew. I wanted it that way.
Now the boys are grown. 26,24,23,and 22. I am finding it hard to feel needed I guess. They are what drove me to do what I had to do. Because I wanted them to be happy and have good lives. I think for the most part they do. Now I'm worried what will happen to me. Especially if Brian dies before me. For you see no matter what happened Brian has always been my best friend. I dont know that he understands me completely, in that I know it annoys him when I cry, and when I feel worthless, which is how I feel now. How much this has to do with my dads death, Brians illness, the boys leaving home, and now my beloved Brett deploying, I can only guess.
What I do know for certain is that I love my children. I love Brian. I love my friends. Especially, Erin, Lisa, Amanda, Whitney, Lenzi, and many more. I know that when I love I love whole heartedly, and I get my feelings hurt alot. I often wonder why someone does something the way they do it. I cry at the thought of losing my dog. Thats how ridiculus I am. Thats what most would say. I know that losing my mom so young, taught me what loss was. It taught me to say I love you to my kids everytime they walked out the door, because you arnt guranteed another day.
I just cant seem to deal with Brett leaving. I keep thinking in my head, if I werent here, would it stop him from going. In my head I I think these things. I dont voice them. I am afraid of what is coming next. I dont think I can go thru another loss right now. Part of this could be, because when he left the last time, Eileen died, and then on his 1st day back fromAIT my dad came out of that God awful surgery, and then died 2 months later. It may seem crazy to alot of people, but It is how I am feeling. I feel adrift, and scared. I am trying to pull it together but I am sad. Very sad. So I guess, I'll get thru 1 more night, and just try to keep pushing my way thru each day until I feel better.
In closing, please dont think that I am writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me. Or that I dont know people are worse off than me. I realize that, its just that when you feel this bad, its hard to feel any other way. This is how I feel, and I cant unfeel this way.
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