Sadness, Current Events, and Me

This will be my first blog! Thank you Erin for encourageing me!! I love you dearly:)
So, as most of my friends know, I went home this weekend to see my kids. I had to take
Lance back to his mother.

While I have been very pleased to have all my sons in one place for the day, I have become
increasingly sad. I suppose it isnt any wonder, with all the major events that have occured
in the last four years. As if I hadnt had enough change in the years preceding 2007! Since 2007
Bradley, my baby graduated from high school, Brian Matthew became totally dependent on me,
Brian Christopher went in the Army, got divorced and made me a grandmother twice over. with two different women. Brandon moved out and has had very little direction as to where he wanted to go
in life, until recently. Brett entered the National Guard, and is now preparing to deploy. Bradley
got married, My step mother passed away, then my father was diagnosed with cancer, and passed away 3 months later. There has been alot of change, and alot of upheaval. I have found it increasingly harder to bounce back from each event.

While I do know and have always tried to maintain the attitude that there are people much worse off than I am, and To push my way thru, I have found that doing it without the boys being at home is near impossible for me. I find no motivation, no end result. I do wonder if I dont need medication, but I try not to go there, as it reminds me of days that I dont wish to revisit. I want a clear head, and I want to overcome my sadness on my own, or at least thru prayer.

Most days I feel numb, and I think I'm a fat, useless, and unloveable person. It isnt a pity party, it simply is. So, I have a plan to try and help myself. I have started taking vitamins. Especially super B complex. I want to get back into shape such as I was when I was 30. If I can attain that I believe I will feel better physically and emotionally. I cannot continue to ask myself "what is wrong with me" because others may not respond to me the way I would like. I dont want to be a nurse for people anymore. I want to try and become a veterinarian asisstant. I find the 4 legged variety are more appreciative of what you do for them, and all they want in return is love from you. They dont care about money, or what your scale reads. The only thing that scares me somewhat about that is how easily attached I become to pets and how much it hurts my heart when I cannot help them all. I care very much about humans, just burned out on sitting with folks while they die, because their families cant be bothered to be there. It is very sad, and it just hurts me to much anymore to watch the horrible things humans can do to each other.

I am under no impression that I am perfect. I think those of you that know me well, already know that. However tough I may have appeared in my younger days, however strong, I have always had the same heart, and the same feelings that get hurt easily. I have learned that not everyone means to hurt with their words, but I have found that I personally will go the extra mile to think about what I say, and try not to hurt someone unneccisarily. I pick my battles a little more carefully, and I try to have love in my heart in whatever actions I take. So, from now on, I'm going to write when I feel it in my heart to do so, because my husband, my friends, and my son Brandon, have encouraged me to do so, because they feel I should write a book. I dont set out with the intention of accomplishing that. I mean how does one decide how to start? I think it might come together for me just by writing. I know it helps me a great deal to put down my thoughts, and to hear responses from my friends. So I hope I will get encouragement and feedback, and maybe I can work my way thru the sad feelings, and learn something along the way. Thank you for reading, and for caring. I hope I can accomplish my goals.