Where to begin!! I think that my battle started a very long time ago. Precisely? When my mother died. That is the easy part. Identifying the trigger. At least to me the easy part. I'm sitting here alone, and writing, as I am having a terrible time being able to sleep at night. Not to mention the fact that I just dont feel like being around anyone right now.
I find it annoying when anyone tells me to snap out of it, or take some medication. Which is usually what my husband says. I do want to feel better, but I dont particularly want to be on medication forever eithier. I feel I'm in a very strange place in my life right now and I want to understand who I am and why I am the way I am. Most people think I am a very strong, and somewhat funny individual. Little do they know, that I actually very seldom look at myself that way. The person I am is someone who thinks a great deal about everything. A person who feels very lost right now, with no one to sort of ground me. I feel my security is gone with my fathers death. Not that he and I were so close, but losing the last link to my childhood, and never being able to be close to him until the last 2 months of his life, have worn on me. I wonder if he really realized how much I loved him, how much I always had, despite our differances. I remember all of it. All of my life trying to make him see me, and be the father I needed, especially with my mother not being there. I could go into so much, and it would serve no purpose, and most people would think I was bashing him. I'm not. I just remember the good and the bad, and alot of it wasnt pretty. Whats funny is that I never doubted that my mother loved me, and I only had her for 7 years. I had my dad for 42, and I still question whether he did or not. He told me over and over again as he was dying, but was that because he felt guilty? I will never know for certain, it is just something that I have decided to believe he did mean.
My stepmother, who I very seldom speak about, was a good grandmother to my children, but not a good mother to me. I'm sure it cant have been easy for her to be one to a 12 year old. Certainly because I looked like my mother, and according to most behaved like my mother. I'm not saying I was an angel, but I am saying she made my life a living hell from 12 to 17 when I left home. She did everything in her power to undermine my relationship with my father. When she died I felt sorry for my dad, and my children. I cannot say, I felt deep sorrow, or even sadness. I felt nothing.
I just sort of feel like everything has always happenend fast in my life. To fast. I had my children very young, and When Brian and I divorced, I did attempt to take my own life. I just didnt want to feel anymore. I wanted silence and darkness. I pulled myself together for the boys. Mainly, Bubby coming to see me and telling me I had to get up for them. So, I did. I've battled this disease ever since. I was different after that. No longer could I take shouting matches, and Brians shennanigans. I couldnt cry without getting physically ill. I still cant. Alot of what I am writing now, the boys never knew. I wanted it that way.
Now the boys are grown. 26,24,23,and 22. I am finding it hard to feel needed I guess. They are what drove me to do what I had to do. Because I wanted them to be happy and have good lives. I think for the most part they do. Now I'm worried what will happen to me. Especially if Brian dies before me. For you see no matter what happened Brian has always been my best friend. I dont know that he understands me completely, in that I know it annoys him when I cry, and when I feel worthless, which is how I feel now. How much this has to do with my dads death, Brians illness, the boys leaving home, and now my beloved Brett deploying, I can only guess.
What I do know for certain is that I love my children. I love Brian. I love my friends. Especially, Erin, Lisa, Amanda, Whitney, Lenzi, and many more. I know that when I love I love whole heartedly, and I get my feelings hurt alot. I often wonder why someone does something the way they do it. I cry at the thought of losing my dog. Thats how ridiculus I am. Thats what most would say. I know that losing my mom so young, taught me what loss was. It taught me to say I love you to my kids everytime they walked out the door, because you arnt guranteed another day.
I just cant seem to deal with Brett leaving. I keep thinking in my head, if I werent here, would it stop him from going. In my head I I think these things. I dont voice them. I am afraid of what is coming next. I dont think I can go thru another loss right now. Part of this could be, because when he left the last time, Eileen died, and then on his 1st day back fromAIT my dad came out of that God awful surgery, and then died 2 months later. It may seem crazy to alot of people, but It is how I am feeling. I feel adrift, and scared. I am trying to pull it together but I am sad. Very sad. So I guess, I'll get thru 1 more night, and just try to keep pushing my way thru each day until I feel better.
In closing, please dont think that I am writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me. Or that I dont know people are worse off than me. I realize that, its just that when you feel this bad, its hard to feel any other way. This is how I feel, and I cant unfeel this way.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
Changes and More Changes
So as everyone knows, I have been going thru alot of changes, and alot of my feelings are about my kids. I have never loved another human being, more than my 4 children, except for maybe my mother, and my grandchildren. So when one of them act so completely foreign to how they were raised, it confounds me. So I'm going to try to write my feelings down, and not be biased.
I want to say upfront that I do indeed love my sons, and realize that they are grown, and will change with the experiences life will throw their way. My only hope has been and continues to be that they retain what I tried to instill in them, if that stays intact, I believe they will be productive and good people. What one feels at 20, one may feel considerably different about when they are 44. I get that, because it has happened to me. However, I am essentially the same in what my parents taught me. Especially my mother.
We moved down here for many reasons, and it was not a decision I made lightly. My biggest fear was having any kind of outburst with Brian or Medora. I wanted to not be 'cramping' their style so to speak. Brian assured me and has continued to reassure me that we are welcome and he appreciates all we do. However there have been some issues. I spoke at length tonite with Brian about them. Partly speaking and partly arguing.
I am a very organised and hard working person. I believe that having a clean home is of utmost importance, and teaching your children what kind of behavior is acceptable and what isn't should begin as soon as they can walk and get into things. If you don't start when they are small, you will have holy terrors on your hand, in my experience teenagers who neither respect you or themselves. Since being here I have scrubbed floors, baseboards, vacuumed, changed sheets, washed clothes, cut grass, cooked, you name it. Why? Because that is the only way I could show Brian how relieved I am to not constantly worry about bills,especially a house payment, with his dad in the condition he has been in. I don't mind a bit doing it, but I do mind sitting on my couch, and saying WTF is that, and finding out Jax spilled coffee however many days ago, and his mother not have enough sense to use my steam cleaner to clean it up, when it is sitting 4 feet away from her. A small thing I know, but when you add up all the small things, it wears on ones nerves. I spent ALOT of time with my boys, fun times, but I always cleaned my house. Everyday, no exception unless I was down in my back. Perhaps i should elaborate on why I am such a clean freak. When i was small we lived in a roach infested house till I was 11 and moved to O'fallon. My dad had it exterminated and they would crawl out on the wall in broad daylight. After my mother died, no one cleaned the house. I can still remember my dad smashing the dish's in the backyard because my oldest sister refused to wash them.
At any rate, Brian could not keep this house alone,without our support. If Medora isn't working, and he pays child support for Lance, they would have nothing. In the beginning, I watched Jax all day while they were at work, and it worked out really well. Then Medora lost their baby and quit her job, because she felt that was why she had miscarried. I know for a fact she wanted to quit before this ever took place, and in my opinion, she now had the perfect excuse. At first I liked her a great deal, now I just don't get her. She is very difficult to read, and I feel that she doesn't wish to be friends with me. I have tried, and gotten nothing. So whatever.
As for Brian, I don't know sometimes who he is, and whats more I'd venture to guess he doesn't either. His continual bitching about money is just like a never ending record playing over and over. I cannot understand where he gets this from, because I am not like that. Nor was Brian Sr. I think he has just always been used to getting what he wanted, no matter the circumstance. When you grow up, and you get married, and you decide to get divorced, there are consequences. You will pay child support, and even if you think it is to much, it is what it is, and you made that choice. I personally feel that if the rent is paid, and you have food to eat your in good shape. I think he has alot of regrets about school, and getting married so young. I think he wishes he had spent more time on himself before he had the responsibilities he has now. I might add we were against him getting married at 20. Mainly because Brian and I knew what we had given up by marrying so young. The difference for us though, at least for me, was that I had the four best things that have ever happened to me. My life would have been over, if I had not had my sons. I have no doubt that I was meant to have them. They didn't ruin my life, they made my life. Brian has never said he regretted either of his children, but I believe he still is very 'me' orientated.
I wasn't perfect, but I felt perfect having those boys. I could never express the love and pride I have felt for them their entire lives. I don't expect everyone to feel the same way I do about everything, This is more than spilled coffee. Its the total of everything that has happened these last few months. The complete lack of respect shown to me. That has always been something that I demanded, and I will tell you why. I wasn't a drunk, a crack whore, didn't have a bunch of men thru my home, and I always without fail, put my children 1st. I went without plenty of times, so they would have. I don't expect them to kiss my ass for that, but I believe I have earned respect, because I wonder if they ever ask themselves where they would be had I decided, You know what? I'm gonna be a drunk.
I'm not going to put down all of the issues I am having, because it would be to much. I just need to decide where to go from here. Is this how I want to live, or would we ( Brian and I ) be better off in an apartment back home in Missouri. Where I can see my youngest more. I do not have a favorite. I love them all without question, but I will say of the men they have grown up to be, I admire my youngest Bradley the most. He is without a doubt the very best of men. He is the most like me, in that he is not selfish, but rather selfless.
I'm also tired of hearing that I have to 'get over' Brett deploying. Until you are a mother of a soldier, in these horrific times, and you are sending your child to the Persian gulf, I don't want to hear that from you. I hear it from Bubby on a daily basis almost. Yes he is military too, but he isn't sending his child over, and I venture to guess he would feel differently were that the case. I cry on a daily basis about it. I am working thru it in my own way and time. I just really ask myself how much more God wants from me. I try not to be bitter, and I believe I'm not, but it is getting really difficult to know where I belong.
I want to say upfront that I do indeed love my sons, and realize that they are grown, and will change with the experiences life will throw their way. My only hope has been and continues to be that they retain what I tried to instill in them, if that stays intact, I believe they will be productive and good people. What one feels at 20, one may feel considerably different about when they are 44. I get that, because it has happened to me. However, I am essentially the same in what my parents taught me. Especially my mother.
We moved down here for many reasons, and it was not a decision I made lightly. My biggest fear was having any kind of outburst with Brian or Medora. I wanted to not be 'cramping' their style so to speak. Brian assured me and has continued to reassure me that we are welcome and he appreciates all we do. However there have been some issues. I spoke at length tonite with Brian about them. Partly speaking and partly arguing.
I am a very organised and hard working person. I believe that having a clean home is of utmost importance, and teaching your children what kind of behavior is acceptable and what isn't should begin as soon as they can walk and get into things. If you don't start when they are small, you will have holy terrors on your hand, in my experience teenagers who neither respect you or themselves. Since being here I have scrubbed floors, baseboards, vacuumed, changed sheets, washed clothes, cut grass, cooked, you name it. Why? Because that is the only way I could show Brian how relieved I am to not constantly worry about bills,especially a house payment, with his dad in the condition he has been in. I don't mind a bit doing it, but I do mind sitting on my couch, and saying WTF is that, and finding out Jax spilled coffee however many days ago, and his mother not have enough sense to use my steam cleaner to clean it up, when it is sitting 4 feet away from her. A small thing I know, but when you add up all the small things, it wears on ones nerves. I spent ALOT of time with my boys, fun times, but I always cleaned my house. Everyday, no exception unless I was down in my back. Perhaps i should elaborate on why I am such a clean freak. When i was small we lived in a roach infested house till I was 11 and moved to O'fallon. My dad had it exterminated and they would crawl out on the wall in broad daylight. After my mother died, no one cleaned the house. I can still remember my dad smashing the dish's in the backyard because my oldest sister refused to wash them.
At any rate, Brian could not keep this house alone,without our support. If Medora isn't working, and he pays child support for Lance, they would have nothing. In the beginning, I watched Jax all day while they were at work, and it worked out really well. Then Medora lost their baby and quit her job, because she felt that was why she had miscarried. I know for a fact she wanted to quit before this ever took place, and in my opinion, she now had the perfect excuse. At first I liked her a great deal, now I just don't get her. She is very difficult to read, and I feel that she doesn't wish to be friends with me. I have tried, and gotten nothing. So whatever.
As for Brian, I don't know sometimes who he is, and whats more I'd venture to guess he doesn't either. His continual bitching about money is just like a never ending record playing over and over. I cannot understand where he gets this from, because I am not like that. Nor was Brian Sr. I think he has just always been used to getting what he wanted, no matter the circumstance. When you grow up, and you get married, and you decide to get divorced, there are consequences. You will pay child support, and even if you think it is to much, it is what it is, and you made that choice. I personally feel that if the rent is paid, and you have food to eat your in good shape. I think he has alot of regrets about school, and getting married so young. I think he wishes he had spent more time on himself before he had the responsibilities he has now. I might add we were against him getting married at 20. Mainly because Brian and I knew what we had given up by marrying so young. The difference for us though, at least for me, was that I had the four best things that have ever happened to me. My life would have been over, if I had not had my sons. I have no doubt that I was meant to have them. They didn't ruin my life, they made my life. Brian has never said he regretted either of his children, but I believe he still is very 'me' orientated.
I wasn't perfect, but I felt perfect having those boys. I could never express the love and pride I have felt for them their entire lives. I don't expect everyone to feel the same way I do about everything, This is more than spilled coffee. Its the total of everything that has happened these last few months. The complete lack of respect shown to me. That has always been something that I demanded, and I will tell you why. I wasn't a drunk, a crack whore, didn't have a bunch of men thru my home, and I always without fail, put my children 1st. I went without plenty of times, so they would have. I don't expect them to kiss my ass for that, but I believe I have earned respect, because I wonder if they ever ask themselves where they would be had I decided, You know what? I'm gonna be a drunk.
I'm not going to put down all of the issues I am having, because it would be to much. I just need to decide where to go from here. Is this how I want to live, or would we ( Brian and I ) be better off in an apartment back home in Missouri. Where I can see my youngest more. I do not have a favorite. I love them all without question, but I will say of the men they have grown up to be, I admire my youngest Bradley the most. He is without a doubt the very best of men. He is the most like me, in that he is not selfish, but rather selfless.
I'm also tired of hearing that I have to 'get over' Brett deploying. Until you are a mother of a soldier, in these horrific times, and you are sending your child to the Persian gulf, I don't want to hear that from you. I hear it from Bubby on a daily basis almost. Yes he is military too, but he isn't sending his child over, and I venture to guess he would feel differently were that the case. I cry on a daily basis about it. I am working thru it in my own way and time. I just really ask myself how much more God wants from me. I try not to be bitter, and I believe I'm not, but it is getting really difficult to know where I belong.
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